I don't want to be in love with you anymore.

I'm so sick and tired of being in love with you. I don't want to love you anymore. I don't want you in my thoughts anymore. I don't want you invading my dreams. I can go months without thinking of you, without remembering how you made me feel. I can meet another man and not want to compare him to you. I can develop a crush and not feel guilty about it. And then, out of nowhere, you come slamming back into my life. Why? Why can't you just STAY gone?! I don't want to love you anymore. I don't want to be in love with you.

I know you're not the person I fell in love with. That person doesn't exist. I don't know if he ever really did. Logically, I know that he wasn't a figment of my imagination. After the assault, you were everything I needed you to be. You soothed the hand shaped bruises left on both flesh and psyche. You were the strength I needed when I didn't even know who I was or who I wanted to be. When I was lost and couldn't lift my head above the current, you were the raft I needed. When it all crashed down the first time, I convinced myself I didn't need you. I convinced myself I was better than you and your love.

But you came back in. And you shook my entire world up. I admit, part of that was my fault. I was so incredibly stupid for seeking you out in the first place. But I had wounds that I needed healed. I needed that closure. I should have known you'd never give it to me. Instead, you stirred me back up. Instead, you made me fall in love with you all over again. To see you with your little girl, to see you being the man I always knew you could be ... how could I not fall in love with that? I could hardly breathe when in your presence.

Was it a lie? Was everything a lie? You're not that person and I know this. Logically, I know that you are not who I think you are. You never outright lied to me. You never pretended to be something you weren't. But with me, you were always different. You weren't the manwhore everyone expected you to be. You were quiet. You were calm. You balanced out my crazy. You were one of a few people who could put me in my place without hurting my feelings. You did it with tact and grace while still being firm.

You are selfish. You are arrogant. You care more about the things you think will make you into the person you want to be. Why couldn't you see that we were both in the same place? Didn't you realize that we could've helped each other to find the place we wanted to be? I finally came to see you would never be anything more than a man-child. Forever, in my heart, you will be the one who pieced me back together. You will be my first love, until the day I die. But I don't want to be in love with you anymore.

I want you to stop invading my dreams. I am sick to death of dreaming of her. She will never be OUR daughter. I will never have children with you. So why, when I dream of her, are you always there? I don't want you there. I don't want you tainting those moments. I don't want to dream of you anymore. I don't want to dream of her either, to be honest. I suppose in my mind, she'll always be yours. My blue eyes, your jet black hair, and chubby rolls. I'm sick to death of it. Would we have made a beautiful child? Of that, I have no doubt. But it will never happen. You are not meant to be the father of my children. I wish you would just disappear. I wish I could control my dreams.

It's easy to realize all of this when I'm awake. It's easy to be logical when I'm awake. I'm tired of hurting over you. I'm tired of letting myself fall back into that same pattern. I so badly want to unblock your profile from Facebook. But I won't. I can't stand to see the pictures. I want to tell myself that I am over you. That you were nothing more than the older boy that my high school self was in love with. But you couldn't let me have that, could you? You had to tell me that you were in love with me too. You had to tell me that I'd be a lucky catch for any guy and that you'd be forever jealous of the man who got to have me as his wife and the mother of his child.

Was I supposed to be flattered by that? Was that supposed to make me feel good about myself? Because in reality, all it did was piss me off. If you're so jealous, then why couldn't you man up and be that man? Another crush told me that I was good enough to fuck but not good enough to date. Is that how you see me as well? I'm good enough to fool around with but never to settle with? You can pick up the broken pieces and glue them back together but you can't stick around to see how well the glue dries?

I don't want to be in love with you anymore. I'm sick and tired of thinking of you. I want you gone from my life forever. Why can't I seem to get rid of you, even after all these years?

this is a hard post for me to write ....

cutting this post due to talk of sensitive topics such as abortion and fetal death.

living with BDD

Part of this whole body dysmorphic disorder, for me, happens to be 1) my hair and 2) the numbers on the scale. Luckily, now that I'm medicated for it, I can logically realize that I'm being irrational. The numbers don't necessarily matter. When I was at 105, I looked horrible. I was a stick. A skeleton. But that number sounds SO nice in my head. I love the way it sounds. I want to be that weight again ... except, I don't really. I didn't look healthy, I didn't look good. Everyone commented about it, they were worried for me because of how I looked.

I'm at 135 currently. I'm okay with the way I look in the mirror. Not thrilled, but okay. I started a Zumba class last night and I'm super excited for it. I'm signing up for it and I'll be going every Tuesday and Thursday. I hope this helps. I HATE exercise. ABHOR it. But this was tons of fun dancing! It didn't feel like exercise! One day at a time, right? Another step closer to better, overall mental health. My hair kicks ass right now, I love the colors, so that makes me happy. Now if I can just stop with the number obsession.

Music Thursday!!!!

Check out this AMAZING cover of Nelly's Just a Dream! 



it's tuesday, but all day it felt like monday

Okay, so, first things first! Fucking AMAZING short film by the UBER talented Mr Avan Jogia. Yes, yes, THE founder of Straight But Not Narrow. It's great and I love it.

Watch it! It's GREAT!!!!!

Secondly ... I accidentally snagged a purple surgery marking pen from the ER on Sunday. Yes, I do mean accidentally. I have this thing with pens, I don't even realize that I pick them up and all of a sudden, there's a new pen in my pocket. But this is an AWESOME pen cause .... well, I can draw new tattoos on myself every day and then wipe them off at night with baby wipes and alcohol pads! I love it. I had TWLOHA all day today and tomorrow I'm gonna put SBNN on my wrist. I tried out my new tattoo earlier and I still am not 100% on where I want to put it. I kind of like it on my forearm, but I think momma might F R E A K. So we'll see. 

Thirdly ... I kept thinking today was Monday. For most of the day. It FELT like a Monday. Everything that could go wrong did go wrong. the two systems we use at work for patient care/tracking/billing .. pretty much EVERYTHING went down for a good twenty minutes. Part and parcel of being part of the "electronic" age ... we couldn't do SHIT. Then our phones went down for like an hour. See what I mean?! MONDAY.

Friday, I think I'm headed out to Mardi Gras for Steve's band. I don't know. We'll see how the week goes. We're going to Connecticut on Saturday (IF THE POWER COMES BACK ON DAMMIT!!!!!) for my Papa and my cousin's birthdays so I might not cause I don't want to be exhausted and hung over on Saturday. I'd rather get my drink on THERE. ;) I asked a coworker to go with, so if she mentions it, we'll go. If she forgets, I won't bring it up. We shall see how it goes.

Wisdom toothery happening. Only need one out, but it's entangled with the nerves in my jaw. FUN. Only ... not. So, November 23rd that sucker is coming out. They're going to knock my ass out and then dope me up with percocet so woohoo! Thanksgiving should be mighty fun this year. ........ I think that's it, y'all! Not much more from me. Watch Avan's movie and then check back on Thursday for Music Thursday!!!

Beannachtaí ort a chara,

Caitie

~asaintedsinner~

oh my lord in heaven - Music Thursday!

I am beyond in love with this song. Her voice is fucking INCREDIBLE and the lyrics are SO powerful. I vaguely recognize it, but I think this one was a bit before my remembering time as far as music goes. Until I hit middle school, I pretty much listened to whatever momma and daddy were playing.  The other version of this one that I am in love with is Christian Kane's version. YUMMY YUMMY. That long hair and that voice. Hell, both of them. I'd bat for both teams for either one of them hahahaha.

i wrote this one year ago

"The only difference between the saint and the sinner is that every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future." --- Oscar Wilde

I don't know why this quote has been stuck with me for months now. Actually, that's a bit of a lie. The quote that has been stuck in my head is "every saint has a past, every sinner has a future" and it wasn't until the other day that I realized there was more to the quote and that it's an Oscar Wilde quote. But for whatever reason, it's been stuck there and recently I made a change of my AIM name to asaintedsinner and I changed my email address to asaintedsinner@gmail.com and my twitter is now asaintedsinner and as soon as funds come available, I'll change my journal to asaintedsinner. I know I mentioned changing my journal before but I was going to go to asaintlysinner but I like asaintedsinner better. I don't know what it is about it but it gives me hope. Does that sound completely and utterly weird?

I was thinking at work earlier, between patients, that I am a horribly negative person. I know a lot of people must think that I probably only update my journal when something bad's going on because that's when I need the comfort of others ... but no. There's just literally always something bad going on. And I cannot live like this anymore. I don't exactly know where I'm going to start because I do know that some things (like the grandmother issue) is out of my control. The economy is bad. I make good money per hour but I can only work part time right now because of the accident. I don't know what's going to happen once the doc releases me for full time work. Supposedly there are positions open at my job but you know what? I don't think they'd give them to me. Not yet, anyway. Since I took this job in September I've had to miss several days because of emergency dentist appointments and car trouble and ... while I'm trying my fucking hardest to be as reliable as possible and when I'm at work I do a damn good job ... I think I have a little while to go to prove myself.

I'm a shy person. I don't know if that comes off in journals because I think it's easier to seem stronger when you're on the internet, but I'm shy. At least until I get to know you and then I can be the most obnoxiously loud person on the planet. But upon initially meeting someone? Shier than shy. I hate rejection. I walk into a room, I talk to a few people, I move on to talk to new people and I am immediately paranoid that those first people are talking badly about me. They don't even have to give a reason as to why, they don't have to do anything that would make a sane person think they were talking about you badly, but I just get so paranoid. The idea of rejection makes me want to throw up all over the place. It's happened and it was horrible when it did. I'll never forget this one time ... this kid and I had been hanging out, he'd platonically spent the night at my dorm room, it was all good. He was cute, I liked him. I ran into him on campus and he could tell I'd had a stressed out day. He hugged me and I asked him for a kiss. I don't know where I got the guts to, but it wasn't like we hadn't already kissed. He kind of got this bewildered expression on his face and asked me why. I got away from him as quickly as I could and never saw him again.

I hold onto the past. It's not a good thing, but I do it. I can't let things go. I use everything as an excuse as to why I can't do something. I can't go out and date because of what Chris did. Boys can't be trusted because Tommy's a fucktard. I can't make the first move because they'll all reject me like Dave did. It's not healthy, and I know it's not, but I don't know how to move forward. I don't know how to let it all go, to realize that not every person is going to be like those three. There was another boy, not too long ago. He worked at the pub where my parents go every weekend. The owner of the pub is a sweetheart and she loves us and she kept trying to set me and James up. I came down to the pub several nights, but the first night he was so busy we couldn't talk and the next time he was on vacation. So the first night, while a little on the tipsy side, I had Nicole give him my number. And he texted me. And we texted for awhile. And then the texts stopped. I was the last one to text. I wasn't going to be the next one. I refuse to seem desperate. Don't get me wrong ... I think I might be hahah. I feel like I'm going to be alone forever. My biggest dream above all of them was being a wife and a mommy and I feel like it's never going to come true. I know that it can't come true unless I put some work into it ... but I don't know where to start. I don't like knowing that I could be rejected. I don't like the idea that I could really get into a guy and spend months or possibly even years with him and have it end while I'm still so invested. I know that other people go through this all the time. I know that I'm not the only one. People go through this all the time. Sometimes it makes people better, stronger, in the end. I guess I'm just insanely scared of becoming even more broken than I am.

I had a come to Jesus meeting with my grandmother. I'm tired of the complaining. I'm tired of the "oh I can't do" or ... or the fact that as long as she isn't inconvenienced, who cares if the rest of us are? We're going to Maine for Christmas to be with my mom's family. This year we'll be with my dad's family for Thanksgiving and my mom's for Christmas. But we almost didn't get to go to Maine. Cause my grandmother refuses to drive to her niece's house. It's not that she can't. It's that she doesn't want to. She was going to sit home alone on Christmas and let us go to Maine. Never mind the fact that that's just wrong, on a human level, but we'd have to listen to it. For days and weeks and months. That's why we never ask her for help. Because she complains for DAYS. Oh my thumb hurts. Oh my back hurts. Oh peeling those potatoes really took it out of me. SUCK IT UP. We all have to do things that sometimes hurt. My mom and I do SO much, sometimes beyond our means, just so we don't have to listen to her. That's how bad it gets. And I can't escape that right now. I just can't. I barely make enough each month to pay the two measly bills I have. I can't pay rent. I couldn't afford it.

But I need to get better. And I know this. I have hope, like a sainted sinner. Every saint has a past ... just because they're good now doesn't mean they've always been good. Doesn't mean they didn't have their hardships. Didn't have their struggles. But they worked through it and they persevered. Every sinner has a future. Just because things are bad now doesn't mean they can't get better. Just because you've made the wrong choices now doesn't mean you can't pull yourself up, make it better. You can correct the errors of your ways. And that's what I wanna do. Go from bad to good. Make myself better. Now ... I just need a game plan.

in the dip of the valley between mountains

I'm in that blah spot again. Since August everything was planning for the concert and for Meg to come and our trip to Boston. Each day was one day closer to the "big event" and now it's been two weeks and I don't have anything, currently, to really look forward to. Sure, there's the country band at the Pub and that was SO much fun last time, but it's not encouraging me the way the concert did.

I hate being here. I feel like I shouldn't be so blah. I feel like I should appreciate the little things and not be looking out for the big things, but it's hard. I've been doing a lot of soul searching lately and I'm tired of settling. I want butterflies and sparky feelings and and and .... I don't know. I don't want the fairytale, but I wouldn't mind something close to it.

14 years and counting

It may sound stupid or even simple. Hell, it might even sound a little childish, especially considering I'm 25 years old.

However ... seeing Hanson in concert on Sunday and getting the opportunity to shake Taylor's hand made ALL of the abuse, the bullying, and the self harm worth it. Their music got me through so much when I was in middle school and high school. Not to mention, being fans of theirs and STANDING up for myself for being a fan has made me the strong person I am today.

I don't totally love who I am. At least not yet. I'm getting there though. For now, I take comfort and peace in the moments that remind me that I am a good person and that I might actually have something to contribute to this world. It's not perfect, I'm not perfect but it's like I like to say .... perfection is boring. True happiness is in life's imperfections.

So thank you, Isaac, Taylor, and Zac. For 14 years I've used your music to help me escape and it's taught me how to be a strong, confident person. Your concert was amazing and I can't wait for the next one.

Caitie
~a sainted sinner~

i am a sainted sinner

just a place for me to gather my thoughts, work through life's daily struggles, and find out what i really want in this world.