I am beyond in love with this song. Her voice is fucking INCREDIBLE and the lyrics are SO powerful. I vaguely recognize it, but I think this one was a bit before my remembering time as far as music goes. Until I hit middle school, I pretty much listened to whatever momma and daddy were playing. The other version of this one that I am in love with is Christian Kane's version. YUMMY YUMMY. That long hair and that voice. Hell, both of them. I'd bat for both teams for either one of them hahahaha.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
oh my lord in heaven - Music Thursday!
I am beyond in love with this song. Her voice is fucking INCREDIBLE and the lyrics are SO powerful. I vaguely recognize it, but I think this one was a bit before my remembering time as far as music goes. Until I hit middle school, I pretty much listened to whatever momma and daddy were playing. The other version of this one that I am in love with is Christian Kane's version. YUMMY YUMMY. That long hair and that voice. Hell, both of them. I'd bat for both teams for either one of them hahahaha.
Monday, October 24, 2011
i wrote this one year ago
I don't know why this quote has been stuck with me for months now. Actually, that's a bit of a lie. The quote that has been stuck in my head is "every saint has a past, every sinner has a future" and it wasn't until the other day that I realized there was more to the quote and that it's an Oscar Wilde quote. But for whatever reason, it's been stuck there and recently I made a change of my AIM name to asaintedsinner and I changed my email address to asaintedsinner@gmail.com and my twitter is now asaintedsinner and as soon as funds come available, I'll change my journal to asaintedsinner. I know I mentioned changing my journal before but I was going to go to asaintlysinner but I like asaintedsinner better. I don't know what it is about it but it gives me hope. Does that sound completely and utterly weird?
I was thinking at work earlier, between patients, that I am a horribly negative person. I know a lot of people must think that I probably only update my journal when something bad's going on because that's when I need the comfort of others ... but no. There's just literally always something bad going on. And I cannot live like this anymore. I don't exactly know where I'm going to start because I do know that some things (like the grandmother issue) is out of my control. The economy is bad. I make good money per hour but I can only work part time right now because of the accident. I don't know what's going to happen once the doc releases me for full time work. Supposedly there are positions open at my job but you know what? I don't think they'd give them to me. Not yet, anyway. Since I took this job in September I've had to miss several days because of emergency dentist appointments and car trouble and ... while I'm trying my fucking hardest to be as reliable as possible and when I'm at work I do a damn good job ... I think I have a little while to go to prove myself.
I'm a shy person. I don't know if that comes off in journals because I think it's easier to seem stronger when you're on the internet, but I'm shy. At least until I get to know you and then I can be the most obnoxiously loud person on the planet. But upon initially meeting someone? Shier than shy. I hate rejection. I walk into a room, I talk to a few people, I move on to talk to new people and I am immediately paranoid that those first people are talking badly about me. They don't even have to give a reason as to why, they don't have to do anything that would make a sane person think they were talking about you badly, but I just get so paranoid. The idea of rejection makes me want to throw up all over the place. It's happened and it was horrible when it did. I'll never forget this one time ... this kid and I had been hanging out, he'd platonically spent the night at my dorm room, it was all good. He was cute, I liked him. I ran into him on campus and he could tell I'd had a stressed out day. He hugged me and I asked him for a kiss. I don't know where I got the guts to, but it wasn't like we hadn't already kissed. He kind of got this bewildered expression on his face and asked me why. I got away from him as quickly as I could and never saw him again.
I hold onto the past. It's not a good thing, but I do it. I can't let things go. I use everything as an excuse as to why I can't do something. I can't go out and date because of what Chris did. Boys can't be trusted because Tommy's a fucktard. I can't make the first move because they'll all reject me like Dave did. It's not healthy, and I know it's not, but I don't know how to move forward. I don't know how to let it all go, to realize that not every person is going to be like those three. There was another boy, not too long ago. He worked at the pub where my parents go every weekend. The owner of the pub is a sweetheart and she loves us and she kept trying to set me and James up. I came down to the pub several nights, but the first night he was so busy we couldn't talk and the next time he was on vacation. So the first night, while a little on the tipsy side, I had Nicole give him my number. And he texted me. And we texted for awhile. And then the texts stopped. I was the last one to text. I wasn't going to be the next one. I refuse to seem desperate. Don't get me wrong ... I think I might be hahah. I feel like I'm going to be alone forever. My biggest dream above all of them was being a wife and a mommy and I feel like it's never going to come true. I know that it can't come true unless I put some work into it ... but I don't know where to start. I don't like knowing that I could be rejected. I don't like the idea that I could really get into a guy and spend months or possibly even years with him and have it end while I'm still so invested. I know that other people go through this all the time. I know that I'm not the only one. People go through this all the time. Sometimes it makes people better, stronger, in the end. I guess I'm just insanely scared of becoming even more broken than I am.
I had a come to Jesus meeting with my grandmother. I'm tired of the complaining. I'm tired of the "oh I can't do" or ... or the fact that as long as she isn't inconvenienced, who cares if the rest of us are? We're going to Maine for Christmas to be with my mom's family. This year we'll be with my dad's family for Thanksgiving and my mom's for Christmas. But we almost didn't get to go to Maine. Cause my grandmother refuses to drive to her niece's house. It's not that she can't. It's that she doesn't want to. She was going to sit home alone on Christmas and let us go to Maine. Never mind the fact that that's just wrong, on a human level, but we'd have to listen to it. For days and weeks and months. That's why we never ask her for help. Because she complains for DAYS. Oh my thumb hurts. Oh my back hurts. Oh peeling those potatoes really took it out of me. SUCK IT UP. We all have to do things that sometimes hurt. My mom and I do SO much, sometimes beyond our means, just so we don't have to listen to her. That's how bad it gets. And I can't escape that right now. I just can't. I barely make enough each month to pay the two measly bills I have. I can't pay rent. I couldn't afford it.
But I need to get better. And I know this. I have hope, like a sainted sinner. Every saint has a past ... just because they're good now doesn't mean they've always been good. Doesn't mean they didn't have their hardships. Didn't have their struggles. But they worked through it and they persevered. Every sinner has a future. Just because things are bad now doesn't mean they can't get better. Just because you've made the wrong choices now doesn't mean you can't pull yourself up, make it better. You can correct the errors of your ways. And that's what I wanna do. Go from bad to good. Make myself better. Now ... I just need a game plan.
I was thinking at work earlier, between patients, that I am a horribly negative person. I know a lot of people must think that I probably only update my journal when something bad's going on because that's when I need the comfort of others ... but no. There's just literally always something bad going on. And I cannot live like this anymore. I don't exactly know where I'm going to start because I do know that some things (like the grandmother issue) is out of my control. The economy is bad. I make good money per hour but I can only work part time right now because of the accident. I don't know what's going to happen once the doc releases me for full time work. Supposedly there are positions open at my job but you know what? I don't think they'd give them to me. Not yet, anyway. Since I took this job in September I've had to miss several days because of emergency dentist appointments and car trouble and ... while I'm trying my fucking hardest to be as reliable as possible and when I'm at work I do a damn good job ... I think I have a little while to go to prove myself.
I'm a shy person. I don't know if that comes off in journals because I think it's easier to seem stronger when you're on the internet, but I'm shy. At least until I get to know you and then I can be the most obnoxiously loud person on the planet. But upon initially meeting someone? Shier than shy. I hate rejection. I walk into a room, I talk to a few people, I move on to talk to new people and I am immediately paranoid that those first people are talking badly about me. They don't even have to give a reason as to why, they don't have to do anything that would make a sane person think they were talking about you badly, but I just get so paranoid. The idea of rejection makes me want to throw up all over the place. It's happened and it was horrible when it did. I'll never forget this one time ... this kid and I had been hanging out, he'd platonically spent the night at my dorm room, it was all good. He was cute, I liked him. I ran into him on campus and he could tell I'd had a stressed out day. He hugged me and I asked him for a kiss. I don't know where I got the guts to, but it wasn't like we hadn't already kissed. He kind of got this bewildered expression on his face and asked me why. I got away from him as quickly as I could and never saw him again.
I hold onto the past. It's not a good thing, but I do it. I can't let things go. I use everything as an excuse as to why I can't do something. I can't go out and date because of what Chris did. Boys can't be trusted because Tommy's a fucktard. I can't make the first move because they'll all reject me like Dave did. It's not healthy, and I know it's not, but I don't know how to move forward. I don't know how to let it all go, to realize that not every person is going to be like those three. There was another boy, not too long ago. He worked at the pub where my parents go every weekend. The owner of the pub is a sweetheart and she loves us and she kept trying to set me and James up. I came down to the pub several nights, but the first night he was so busy we couldn't talk and the next time he was on vacation. So the first night, while a little on the tipsy side, I had Nicole give him my number. And he texted me. And we texted for awhile. And then the texts stopped. I was the last one to text. I wasn't going to be the next one. I refuse to seem desperate. Don't get me wrong ... I think I might be hahah. I feel like I'm going to be alone forever. My biggest dream above all of them was being a wife and a mommy and I feel like it's never going to come true. I know that it can't come true unless I put some work into it ... but I don't know where to start. I don't like knowing that I could be rejected. I don't like the idea that I could really get into a guy and spend months or possibly even years with him and have it end while I'm still so invested. I know that other people go through this all the time. I know that I'm not the only one. People go through this all the time. Sometimes it makes people better, stronger, in the end. I guess I'm just insanely scared of becoming even more broken than I am.
I had a come to Jesus meeting with my grandmother. I'm tired of the complaining. I'm tired of the "oh I can't do" or ... or the fact that as long as she isn't inconvenienced, who cares if the rest of us are? We're going to Maine for Christmas to be with my mom's family. This year we'll be with my dad's family for Thanksgiving and my mom's for Christmas. But we almost didn't get to go to Maine. Cause my grandmother refuses to drive to her niece's house. It's not that she can't. It's that she doesn't want to. She was going to sit home alone on Christmas and let us go to Maine. Never mind the fact that that's just wrong, on a human level, but we'd have to listen to it. For days and weeks and months. That's why we never ask her for help. Because she complains for DAYS. Oh my thumb hurts. Oh my back hurts. Oh peeling those potatoes really took it out of me. SUCK IT UP. We all have to do things that sometimes hurt. My mom and I do SO much, sometimes beyond our means, just so we don't have to listen to her. That's how bad it gets. And I can't escape that right now. I just can't. I barely make enough each month to pay the two measly bills I have. I can't pay rent. I couldn't afford it.
But I need to get better. And I know this. I have hope, like a sainted sinner. Every saint has a past ... just because they're good now doesn't mean they've always been good. Doesn't mean they didn't have their hardships. Didn't have their struggles. But they worked through it and they persevered. Every sinner has a future. Just because things are bad now doesn't mean they can't get better. Just because you've made the wrong choices now doesn't mean you can't pull yourself up, make it better. You can correct the errors of your ways. And that's what I wanna do. Go from bad to good. Make myself better. Now ... I just need a game plan.
in the dip of the valley between mountains
I'm in that blah spot again. Since August everything was planning for the concert and for Meg to come and our trip to Boston. Each day was one day closer to the "big event" and now it's been two weeks and I don't have anything, currently, to really look forward to. Sure, there's the country band at the Pub and that was SO much fun last time, but it's not encouraging me the way the concert did.
I hate being here. I feel like I shouldn't be so blah. I feel like I should appreciate the little things and not be looking out for the big things, but it's hard. I've been doing a lot of soul searching lately and I'm tired of settling. I want butterflies and sparky feelings and and and .... I don't know. I don't want the fairytale, but I wouldn't mind something close to it.
I hate being here. I feel like I shouldn't be so blah. I feel like I should appreciate the little things and not be looking out for the big things, but it's hard. I've been doing a lot of soul searching lately and I'm tired of settling. I want butterflies and sparky feelings and and and .... I don't know. I don't want the fairytale, but I wouldn't mind something close to it.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
14 years and counting
It may sound stupid or even simple. Hell, it might even sound a little childish, especially considering I'm 25 years old.
However ... seeing Hanson in concert on Sunday and getting the opportunity to shake Taylor's hand made ALL of the abuse, the bullying, and the self harm worth it. Their music got me through so much when I was in middle school and high school. Not to mention, being fans of theirs and STANDING up for myself for being a fan has made me the strong person I am today.
I don't totally love who I am. At least not yet. I'm getting there though. For now, I take comfort and peace in the moments that remind me that I am a good person and that I might actually have something to contribute to this world. It's not perfect, I'm not perfect but it's like I like to say .... perfection is boring. True happiness is in life's imperfections.
So thank you, Isaac, Taylor, and Zac. For 14 years I've used your music to help me escape and it's taught me how to be a strong, confident person. Your concert was amazing and I can't wait for the next one.
Caitie
~a sainted sinner~
However ... seeing Hanson in concert on Sunday and getting the opportunity to shake Taylor's hand made ALL of the abuse, the bullying, and the self harm worth it. Their music got me through so much when I was in middle school and high school. Not to mention, being fans of theirs and STANDING up for myself for being a fan has made me the strong person I am today.
I don't totally love who I am. At least not yet. I'm getting there though. For now, I take comfort and peace in the moments that remind me that I am a good person and that I might actually have something to contribute to this world. It's not perfect, I'm not perfect but it's like I like to say .... perfection is boring. True happiness is in life's imperfections.
So thank you, Isaac, Taylor, and Zac. For 14 years I've used your music to help me escape and it's taught me how to be a strong, confident person. Your concert was amazing and I can't wait for the next one.
Caitie
~a sainted sinner~
Sunday, October 2, 2011
i am a sainted sinner
just a place for me to gather my thoughts, work through life's daily struggles, and find out what i really want in this world.
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