this is a hard post for me to write ....

cutting this post due to talk of sensitive topics such as abortion and fetal death.

living with BDD

Part of this whole body dysmorphic disorder, for me, happens to be 1) my hair and 2) the numbers on the scale. Luckily, now that I'm medicated for it, I can logically realize that I'm being irrational. The numbers don't necessarily matter. When I was at 105, I looked horrible. I was a stick. A skeleton. But that number sounds SO nice in my head. I love the way it sounds. I want to be that weight again ... except, I don't really. I didn't look healthy, I didn't look good. Everyone commented about it, they were worried for me because of how I looked.

I'm at 135 currently. I'm okay with the way I look in the mirror. Not thrilled, but okay. I started a Zumba class last night and I'm super excited for it. I'm signing up for it and I'll be going every Tuesday and Thursday. I hope this helps. I HATE exercise. ABHOR it. But this was tons of fun dancing! It didn't feel like exercise! One day at a time, right? Another step closer to better, overall mental health. My hair kicks ass right now, I love the colors, so that makes me happy. Now if I can just stop with the number obsession.

Music Thursday!!!!

Check out this AMAZING cover of Nelly's Just a Dream! 



it's tuesday, but all day it felt like monday

Okay, so, first things first! Fucking AMAZING short film by the UBER talented Mr Avan Jogia. Yes, yes, THE founder of Straight But Not Narrow. It's great and I love it.

Watch it! It's GREAT!!!!!

Secondly ... I accidentally snagged a purple surgery marking pen from the ER on Sunday. Yes, I do mean accidentally. I have this thing with pens, I don't even realize that I pick them up and all of a sudden, there's a new pen in my pocket. But this is an AWESOME pen cause .... well, I can draw new tattoos on myself every day and then wipe them off at night with baby wipes and alcohol pads! I love it. I had TWLOHA all day today and tomorrow I'm gonna put SBNN on my wrist. I tried out my new tattoo earlier and I still am not 100% on where I want to put it. I kind of like it on my forearm, but I think momma might F R E A K. So we'll see. 

Thirdly ... I kept thinking today was Monday. For most of the day. It FELT like a Monday. Everything that could go wrong did go wrong. the two systems we use at work for patient care/tracking/billing .. pretty much EVERYTHING went down for a good twenty minutes. Part and parcel of being part of the "electronic" age ... we couldn't do SHIT. Then our phones went down for like an hour. See what I mean?! MONDAY.

Friday, I think I'm headed out to Mardi Gras for Steve's band. I don't know. We'll see how the week goes. We're going to Connecticut on Saturday (IF THE POWER COMES BACK ON DAMMIT!!!!!) for my Papa and my cousin's birthdays so I might not cause I don't want to be exhausted and hung over on Saturday. I'd rather get my drink on THERE. ;) I asked a coworker to go with, so if she mentions it, we'll go. If she forgets, I won't bring it up. We shall see how it goes.

Wisdom toothery happening. Only need one out, but it's entangled with the nerves in my jaw. FUN. Only ... not. So, November 23rd that sucker is coming out. They're going to knock my ass out and then dope me up with percocet so woohoo! Thanksgiving should be mighty fun this year. ........ I think that's it, y'all! Not much more from me. Watch Avan's movie and then check back on Thursday for Music Thursday!!!

Beannachtaí ort a chara,

Caitie

~asaintedsinner~