What Truly Makes Life Worth Living

I'm a very lucky girl in a lot of ways. I have amazing friends that I have the pleasure of calling family. Amazing little ones that I get to call my nieces and nephews and who call me Auntie even though we don't share any DNA. I love those kids just as much, if not more, than the people whom I do share DNA with. These last few weeks have been really hard on me. I've been in a place in my life where I don't really know if I'm coming or going. I can't decide what the next step is. I can't decide where I want to go next.

I'm 26 years old, I have a job that I would love if my boss wasn't such a narrow minded irritant. I only have an associates, yet I am nationally certified in what I do. I want my bachelors. I want to find love. I want a family. I'm envious when I log onto Facebook and see all of these friends I went to elementary and middle and high school with who have found their lobster and are married, have kids, or are about to have kids.

I feel like I've been wasting my life. What have I been doing? What do I have to show for the things I've done? What are my achievements? And you know what I've come to learn? 

Being a good person, doing things for others without expecting anything in return, wanting mankind as a whole to be better simply because I know they can be? That's a damn good achievement. Having people in my life who KNOW they can count on me, people who know they can pick up the phone and ask a favor and I'll be there for them? That's a damn good achievement. 

You see this little dude right here? This is the Birdman. His mom and I were friendly in high school. She was a year older than I and I always admired her. She was strong, the kind of girl I wished I could be. Randomly, last October, she was in need of a sitter for Calix and I offered. I'd worked daycare, I wasn't a total stranger to her. Let me tell you. Best. Decision. Ever. Made. I have a date tonight with Birdman and I'm excited. I'm excited every time I see him.  I get the biggest hugs and the sweetest kisses and he snuggles up to me on the couch and says "C'mere, I just wanna hug ya" and when I pick him up to carry him to bed his little arms tighten around my neck and his little voice whispers "I just love you so much, you know that?"

The last time I watched him, he started calling me Auntie on his own. Up until now, I'd just been Caitie. And without warning or preamble, he was calling me Auntie. Not even "Auntie Caitie" just Auntie. And let me tell you, I already thought this boy couldn't make my heart swell anymore than he already has. I thank my lucky stars that his mom and his dad entrust him to me. They trust that I'm going to take good care of their boy and love them when they're not there. They know I'll attend to his hurts and soothe bad dreams and I'll do everything they would do if they were there. Because that's what Aunties do, you know. They love you like your parents, keep secrets like nobody else, and they help to keep you in line.

It's not about blood or DNA or any of those things. It's about the organ that sits in your chest, eighteen inches from your head. It's that organ that clenches tight at the sound of a wail and explodes into a million pieces with a sweet little kiss.

There's another little three year old that I watch. I call him Mac. He has a baby sister, who's nine months old, and a bit of a clingy girl. She hates when Mama's not there and sometimes she takes up a lot of my attention, leaving the older two to play together or watch a movie. And I always feel bad. I feel bad that T takes up so much time and that I can't play with them like I want to.

Last Saturday, I was watching them and Little Miss T needed a bath. Sweet potatoes stain blond hair, you know. And Mac came into the bathroom with me, wedged his little body right between the toilet and the tub and put his little hand on my shoulder. "Caitie? You take such great care of my sister. Thank you for taking care of her," and he kissed my cheek as I was knelt over the tub, trying to wash apricots and sweet potato from the giggly girl's hair.

And you know what? It's not about the degrees you have or the job you do or anything like that. It's the way the people in your life make you feel and the way you make them feel. I posted these last two things on Facebook the other weekend. The first one was while I was watching my nieces and nephew, aged 8, 6, and 2. The second one was while I was taking care of Mac and his sisters, aged 5, 3, and nine months. Said nieces and nephew are in that pic at the top of my post. The little dude in my lap, and the two girls in pink right beside him. The dude in black with the goofy smile is my actual brother. He's 24. 

Anyway, it's late and now I am officially rambling. Here are those two facebook posts and with those, and this post, I finally feel like maybe ... just maybe ... I've been on that right path all along.

Things I Have Learned Today: (8/24/12)

*I hate driving in traffic. (I knew this, but it was reinforced.)
*2 and a half year olds are AWESOME birth control
*Telling said 2 and a half year old "Jay Thomas, you sit down or take that pop out of your mouth!" gets me a twenty minute "Who Thomas? Thomas Train? Why you say Jay Thomas?"
*Grateful little girls who say please and thank you make me want to give them the world.

*My boobs are apparently the perfect aiming target for aforementioned toddler.
*Playing Call Me Maybe is the PERFECT bribe to get a 2 year old to pee in the potty. Also, Junior Mints help too.
*Listening to my little nephew's voice telling me sweetly "Hi, Auntie. You home now. We go Chuck E Cheese. I play games" as the first words out of his mouth when he woke up and saw me makes me want to take him and let him play ALL the games.
*I still want kids, but I want a few more years of sleep.

Things I Have Learned Today (8/25/12)

* Accidents cause traffic even if the accident isn't on your side of the highway. I HATE RUBBERNECKERS.
* I have FINALLY learned the difference between T's mad cry, hungry cry, and sleepy cry. THIS ONE IS A BIG WIN FOR ALL.
* I love snuggling post bath, freshly smelling babies who want ALLTHESNUGGLES.
* I have a very melty heart when a very adorable 3 year old says to me "Caitie? You take such great care of my baby sister. Thanks!" as he pats my shoulder and kisses my cheek as I'm knelt over the tub giving said baby sister a bath.

* Don't ask a 3 year old a question unless you are REALLY sure you want the answer.
* There is nothing sweeter than listening to a big sister read bedtime stories to her little brother.
* There is also nothing better than two VERY understanding big siblings who understand their baby sibling needs a little extra TLC and do their best to help me and/or occupy themselves without killing each other, the cats, or destroying the house.
* Zo-Li sip cups are the most amazing invention ever and they get fussy baby to take mama milk without fighting me and the bottle.
* Ticklish almost 9 month olds have the best laugh in the world.
* A quiet house, with three sleeping children and the sound of lullabies playing from upstairs makes me feel accomplished and eager for another night to do it all again with them.

xoxo,

Caitie