knowing when to cut your losses

I've not had the best luck when it comes to "love", so to speak. The only real boyfriend I've ever had sexually assaulted me and the one man that I was in love with never loved me enough to choose me. I met someone that I thought could really fit me. We seemed so compatible. He was like me, only a dude. But I guess there are some things that aren't meant to be. Maybe I said too much too soon. But I felt backed into a corner with constant questions.

My brother tells me that it's all a "game" these days and that if you don't play the "game" then you're not going to get anywhere. I am 26 years old. I do not feel like playing any games and if I have to play one to find someone? I don't know that I want to find someone. I don't trust easily and it takes a lot to gain it so once you have it, you better be careful with it because if you lose it, you won't be getting it back. Maybe that makes me a bitch and maybe it means I won't ever find love. I don't know. I like to think that some guy out there will want to take me on as is. I guess we'll see what happens in the future. 

Christmas .....

Today was hard. So incredibly hard. I don't have the words right now. Today was the first day I've been back to my Gran's grave since she died almost 5 years ago. Today was the first holiday held in her and Papa's house since she died. It was just ... unbelievably hard. Thank god for my cousins. They help to keep it real, help to keep me grounded. I miss her so much, I can't even begin to describe it. The pain has mostly dulled but every so often, like at dinner tonight after grace was said, it's like a knife in the heart. I miss her deeply.

Gran's grave. She's buried with her mother & her father.

My Gran and Papa. I believe this photo is from 1992.

The Frazier side of our family did a photo shoot together.

I believe I was about six in the photos, so 92 is my best guess.

The poem that was on Gran's funeral cards.

All 16 grandchildren, 6 daughters, & 6 sons-in-law

all laid white roses in her grave, along with my Papa.

I can't believe it's been almost five years. It feels like just yesterday. I just miss her so much. More than I ever knew was possible to miss someone. If there ever was a time for faith, it's when I'm missing her and hoping that I'll get to see her again someday. Please, let there be a someday where I'll see her again.