so much has happened in the past few weeks and most of it i can't say in public simply because i don't know who i can trust and i really cannot afford to bring any bad things down upon me so .... pictures! i took these this morning. it's our first TRUE snowstorm of the season and we've already gotten 5+ inches. they say we're only supposed to get 8, but it doesn't look like it's stopping any time soon! anybody out there got warm weather and wants to send it my way??? so not a snow fall kind of girl. i'm looking forward to my 80 degree days again!!
I'm so sick and tired of being in love with you. I don't want to love you anymore. I don't want you in my thoughts anymore. I don't want you invading my dreams. I can go months without thinking of you, without remembering how you made me feel. I can meet another man and not want to compare him to you. I can develop a crush and not feel guilty about it. And then, out of nowhere, you come slamming back into my life. Why? Why can't you just STAY gone?! I don't want to love you anymore. I don't want to be in love with you.
I know you're not the person I fell in love with. That person doesn't exist. I don't know if he ever really did. Logically, I know that he wasn't a figment of my imagination. After the assault, you were everything I needed you to be. You soothed the hand shaped bruises left on both flesh and psyche. You were the strength I needed when I didn't even know who I was or who I wanted to be. When I was lost and couldn't lift my head above the current, you were the raft I needed. When it all crashed down the first time, I convinced myself I didn't need you. I convinced myself I was better than you and your love.
But you came back in. And you shook my entire world up. I admit, part of that was my fault. I was so incredibly stupid for seeking you out in the first place. But I had wounds that I needed healed. I needed that closure. I should have known you'd never give it to me. Instead, you stirred me back up. Instead, you made me fall in love with you all over again. To see you with your little girl, to see you being the man I always knew you could be ... how could I not fall in love with that? I could hardly breathe when in your presence.
Was it a lie? Was everything a lie? You're not that person and I know this. Logically, I know that you are not who I think you are. You never outright lied to me. You never pretended to be something you weren't. But with me, you were always different. You weren't the manwhore everyone expected you to be. You were quiet. You were calm. You balanced out my crazy. You were one of a few people who could put me in my place without hurting my feelings. You did it with tact and grace while still being firm.
You are selfish. You are arrogant. You care more about the things you think will make you into the person you want to be. Why couldn't you see that we were both in the same place? Didn't you realize that we could've helped each other to find the place we wanted to be? I finally came to see you would never be anything more than a man-child. Forever, in my heart, you will be the one who pieced me back together. You will be my first love, until the day I die. But I don't want to be in love with you anymore.
I want you to stop invading my dreams. I am sick to death of dreaming of her. She will never be OUR daughter. I will never have children with you. So why, when I dream of her, are you always there? I don't want you there. I don't want you tainting those moments. I don't want to dream of you anymore. I don't want to dream of her either, to be honest. I suppose in my mind, she'll always be yours. My blue eyes, your jet black hair, and chubby rolls. I'm sick to death of it. Would we have made a beautiful child? Of that, I have no doubt. But it will never happen. You are not meant to be the father of my children. I wish you would just disappear. I wish I could control my dreams.
It's easy to realize all of this when I'm awake. It's easy to be logical when I'm awake. I'm tired of hurting over you. I'm tired of letting myself fall back into that same pattern. I so badly want to unblock your profile from Facebook. But I won't. I can't stand to see the pictures. I want to tell myself that I am over you. That you were nothing more than the older boy that my high school self was in love with. But you couldn't let me have that, could you? You had to tell me that you were in love with me too. You had to tell me that I'd be a lucky catch for any guy and that you'd be forever jealous of the man who got to have me as his wife and the mother of his child.
Was I supposed to be flattered by that? Was that supposed to make me feel good about myself? Because in reality, all it did was piss me off. If you're so jealous, then why couldn't you man up and be that man? Another crush told me that I was good enough to fuck but not good enough to date. Is that how you see me as well? I'm good enough to fool around with but never to settle with? You can pick up the broken pieces and glue them back together but you can't stick around to see how well the glue dries?
I don't want to be in love with you anymore. I'm sick and tired of thinking of you. I want you gone from my life forever. Why can't I seem to get rid of you, even after all these years?
Part of this whole body dysmorphic disorder, for me, happens to be 1) my hair and 2) the numbers on the scale. Luckily, now that I'm medicated for it, I can logically realize that I'm being irrational. The numbers don't necessarily matter. When I was at 105, I looked horrible. I was a stick. A skeleton. But that number sounds SO nice in my head. I love the way it sounds. I want to be that weight again ... except, I don't really. I didn't look healthy, I didn't look good. Everyone commented about it, they were worried for me because of how I looked.
I'm at 135 currently. I'm okay with the way I look in the mirror. Not thrilled, but okay. I started a Zumba class last night and I'm super excited for it. I'm signing up for it and I'll be going every Tuesday and Thursday. I hope this helps. I HATE exercise. ABHOR it. But this was tons of fun dancing! It didn't feel like exercise! One day at a time, right? Another step closer to better, overall mental health. My hair kicks ass right now, I love the colors, so that makes me happy. Now if I can just stop with the number obsession.
Okay, so, first things first! Fucking AMAZING short film by the UBER talented Mr Avan Jogia. Yes, yes, THE founder of Straight But Not Narrow. It's great and I love it.
Watch it! It's GREAT!!!!!
Secondly ... I accidentally snagged a purple surgery marking pen from the ER on Sunday. Yes, I do mean accidentally. I have this thing with pens, I don't even realize that I pick them up and all of a sudden, there's a new pen in my pocket. But this is an AWESOME pen cause .... well, I can draw new tattoos on myself every day and then wipe them off at night with baby wipes and alcohol pads! I love it. I had TWLOHA all day today and tomorrow I'm gonna put SBNN on my wrist. I tried out my new tattoo earlier and I still am not 100% on where I want to put it. I kind of like it on my forearm, but I think momma might F R E A K. So we'll see.
Thirdly ... I kept thinking today was Monday. For most of the day. It FELT like a Monday. Everything that could go wrong did go wrong. the two systems we use at work for patient care/tracking/billing .. pretty much EVERYTHING went down for a good twenty minutes. Part and parcel of being part of the "electronic" age ... we couldn't do SHIT. Then our phones went down for like an hour. See what I mean?! MONDAY.
Friday, I think I'm headed out to Mardi Gras for Steve's band. I don't know. We'll see how the week goes. We're going to Connecticut on Saturday (IF THE POWER COMES BACK ON DAMMIT!!!!!) for my Papa and my cousin's birthdays so I might not cause I don't want to be exhausted and hung over on Saturday. I'd rather get my drink on THERE. ;) I asked a coworker to go with, so if she mentions it, we'll go. If she forgets, I won't bring it up. We shall see how it goes.
Wisdom toothery happening. Only need one out, but it's entangled with the nerves in my jaw. FUN. Only ... not. So, November 23rd that sucker is coming out. They're going to knock my ass out and then dope me up with percocet so woohoo! Thanksgiving should be mighty fun this year. ........ I think that's it, y'all! Not much more from me. Watch Avan's movie and then check back on Thursday for Music Thursday!!!
I am beyond in love with this song. Her voice is fucking INCREDIBLE and the lyrics are SO powerful. I vaguely recognize it, but I think this one was a bit before my remembering time as far as music goes. Until I hit middle school, I pretty much listened to whatever momma and daddy were playing. The other version of this one that I am in love with is Christian Kane's version. YUMMY YUMMY. That long hair and that voice. Hell, both of them. I'd bat for both teams for either one of them hahahaha.
